I was driving past my former bank when I noticed a large, bold-print sign strewn across the 'art gallery' next to it.
This sign read "THOMAS KINKADE GRAND OPENING."
Aw, Ef.
*For those of you who are not familiar with Thomas Kinkade...
-Thomas Kinkade is the smell of old women, and not nostalgic baking grammas- the bitter ones who heckle over a dime on miniature glass baskets at garage sales: the staunch smell of mothballs and senility.
-Thomas Kinkade is the sound of an elementary school Recorder recital.
-Thomas Kinkade is the third bite of that second Cadbury Creme Egg hitting your stomach.
-Thomas Kinkade is the old sweatshirt with the bear in a rocking chair printed on it for sale at the Salvtion Army that is so faded, oversized, and lame that not even scenesters will buy it for irony.
(Interjection: I think we should start doing Thomas Kinkade jokes like these all the time. Chuck Norris is old.)
-Thomas Kinkade is the douchebag responsible for paintings like these:
So the other night, my friends Mark and Brett and I were discussing how Mr. Kinkade is the worst painter ever and wondering what he is like in real life, so we took a trip over to his Wikipedia page. This is what was found:
"In 2006 John Dandois, Media Arts Group executive, recounted a story that on one occasion ("about six years ago") Kinkade became drunk at a Siegfried and Roy magic show in Las Vegas and began shouting "Codpiece! Codpiece!" at the performers. "
"The Los Angeles Times has reported that some of Kinkade's former colleagues, employees, and even collectors of his work say that he has a long history of cursing and heckling other artists and performers. The Times further reported that he openly groped a woman's breasts at a South Bend, Indiana sales event, and mentioned his proclivity for ritual territory marking through urination, once relieving himself on a Winnie the Pooh figure at a Disney site while saying "This one’s for you, Walt."
-WHAT THE HECK.
I am actually quite impressed. If anything, Kinkade has more credit in my book. I mean, I used to think he was only a horrible artist, but the guys gotta know what he is doing: he can't be all that much of a total unrealistic idiot if he also has the gull to urinate on Winnie the Pooh, you know? Maybe Kinkade is actually a mastermind who has us all fooled.
Well played, Thomas, you sick freak.
